One of the darkest demons that I consistently fight is loneliness/abandonment. The weird part about it is that I am constantly surrounded by a host of people. I have my immediate, or household, family; then my parents and siblings; and those that I work, or associate, with. As a job, I help people to better their lives. So, again I deal directly with people. By no means, am I in a deficit when it comes to people. But, quite honestly the question that arises is how many people know and feel my heart?
I started writing because of depression. I wasn’t mentally dealing well with life. I had experienced a resurgence of loss and grief and I needed another outlet. I would talk to my wife, my counselor, and my friends. But time is always an obstacle and how much can you truly share with them? I needed a platform where I didn’t see the faces of those that I shared with. I didn’t, and still don’t, need to see or feel the condemnation or judgment that people have because of what I think. I was raised in church. So, I know what the Bible has to say about a great many things. I know that God loves me. But, I also know that when you are hurting, that pain is real and people throwing a bunch of scriptures at you doesn’t always cut it. There’s more to it…
One thing that I’ve realized about myself is that even though there is a multitude AROUND you, you only allow a select few INTO you. It’s like having a barbecue at your house and renting a port-a-potty. I love you enough to invite you over and feed you but you can’t use my bathroom. We treat people like that every day. People make up our sphere of influence but our guards are up and they never make it into our inner circle. Our guards are up because of life. Our history has created our outlook. Our past experiences drive how we entreat and receive everything. BUT, not every person is the same as those from our past AND many of those from our past have changed.
Here’s a quick story…. I dated my first real girlfriend for almost a year. It may have been longer but whatever. I was in love and thought she was too. I had a death in the family and went away for the funeral. Upon returning she was nowhere to be found. She didn’t answer my calls and she wasn’t home when I went by there. After a week, I get a call from some guy saying stop calling my fiancé. Huh?!? Apparently, while I was away, her ex came home from the military, proposed to her and she accepted. This was the ultimate betrayal, breakdown of trust, relationships, and whatever else you can think of. I write this to say… a seed of distrust was planted in my heart and there was an expectation that was unfairly set in my life. That expectation was that no matter how much I love… they are going to leave me and that is real. That is why I truly appreciate my wife. She has stuck with me thru thick and thin for almost 17 years!!!
The sad reality is that when it comes to those ‘inner circle’ people… I still fight with that seed and expectation. It takes a lot for us to drop our guards and allow people in. If we’ve been mishandled it makes it worse. The thing that I’ve come to realize is that some people are worth fighting for. I’m writing today because I love YOU!!! And YOU are important to ME!!! How can I say that when we don’t talk? How can I say that when we don’t see each other? How can I say that when you don’t reply to these letters? I used to ask myself the same questions but revelation is a mother!!! It is easy to love when you feel that love reciprocated. It is easy to hold something already in your hand. It takes effort to love when you don’t always feel that love returned and you know what? YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT!!!
You don’t have to be alone. I am here for you. I will always be your friend…
I know this may one may be hard but, if you’re feeling me… reach out. Trust me, a hand will be there for you.
I love you ALL!!!